[The Ohtori Archives] Hani Knows Kung-Fu, er…Karate

Episode 7…in which Kyoya plays God and Hani opens a can of Whup-Ass

We open this delightful episode of insanity on a genuine Tropical Vista and a very, very confused Haruhi. Though elaborate cosplay is nothing new to our reluctant heroine, Japan does not actually exist within a Tropical Zone, so her confusion mas merit. Enter Hani, whose power of the Loli-Glomp is enough to drag even the Queen of Deadpan from her W-T-F induced catatonia and into a two page spread of our Hosts not, in fact, hosting but enjoying a break from the squealing and the fan girl panty-wetting.

All our fears suspicions of Kyoya being God prove to be terribly, terribly true because the massive-as-fuck Eden private aqua garden in which Haruhi and the Hosts are trapped just happens to belong to his family. Coincidence…I am thinking not. Also, when I say massive, I mean FUCKING SHIT HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE…PHYSICS, WHERE ARE YOU?! This thing is three times the size of the Tokyo Dome and supposedly fits inside inner Tokyo (i.e. underground). Without killing my brain with the math, even thinking about this makes me Blue Screen so I shall say no more except…OURAN PHYSICS, and leave it at that.

Despite the distinct lack of drooling fan girls, Tamaki does not fail to deliver the Bishie Freeze Frame in a pose that is either “sun-dazed boy” chic or “drunk and half-naked man-slut” chic. Of course, he snaps out of it the moment he sees Haruhi, drawn to her like an idiot a moth drawn to a flame. Poor Haruhi, all she seems to want to do is escape the madness and all Queen Dingbat can do is fuss and “Oh, Pretty” over the tropical birds that have the misfortune of being stuck as show pieces in Kyoya’s tropical sand-box.

Speaking of misfortune and evil (yes, the last bit was thrown in, but I wanted a silly seque…sue me), we get a bit of Kyoya back-story in this chapter. It isn’t much, but it is frightening to consider. The Ohtori Family, though they usually run hospitals (and isn’t it scary to know that your health is in their greedy, greedy hands), is in fact an Empire of All-Powerful Money-Grubbing, with their hands in everyone’s business. The fact that they consider their businesses part and parcel of the Health and Human Services industry just scares me. Really. Facing more than one Ohtori at once, knowing that you are at their mercy is not going to do anybody’s Health any good.

Now that the manga-ka has the bit of back story dealt with, we jump right back into the story with the half-naked, half-wet twins puzzling over why Haruhi is frumping it up instead of parading around in one of the swim-suits they brought for her. Oh, did I mention that their mother is a fashion designer, and so these suits are probably worth more than her house? No? Well, I say I would be reluctant to parade around in something like that too, especially around a lot of handsy guys in the middle of a park filled with rocks, and trees, and all sorts of sharp, pointy things on which to rip the pricy piece of Hentai Fuel.

Haruhi, of course, waves all this off with a blasé “don’t like waterparks” grump-mumble, as she is wont to do. Practical girl that she is, she just wants a damn Kiddie Pool. Of course, trying to explain the concept of a Kiddie Pool to a group of boys who quite possibly own substantial parts of the planet (and the known universe) is hilarious and sad, all at once. Needless to say, her explanation FAILS HARD, and the Bad Touch Trio (I know this joke has been used before, but it fits so it’s staying) are left despairing the “poor commoner” who cannot even tell an inflatable boat from a pool.

Haruhi, if you want to punch them all, go ahead. I would so back you up.

Before any Bishie Boy Beat-down can happen, we get Hani dressed in Loli-adorable swim-trunks and a matching bunny inflatable tube. Not to say that he can’t swim, but he looks cute like that. Tis true, he does, but this just proves the Evil Genius lurking inside that adorable blonde head of his. He knows he looks cute like that, so he goes out of his way to play up that cuteness, establishing once and for all that HE, and not that brat Shiro from last chapter, is the one and ONLY Loli of the Host Club.

…and don’t you forget it, or else, bitches.


While the Bad Touch Trio(Tamaki, Hikaru and Kaoru)…and Haruhi…are trying to wrap their brains around the idea of a (possibly) manipulative Hani…and thank you, Kyoya, for pointing that out btw…we get a lovely freeze frame of a half-naked Tower of Manliness (a.k.a. Mori) swimming in the Tide Pool. You can’t tell from this post, but that image had me staring into space for at least three minutes. Mmm, blogger like Half-naked Mori. I like swimmers, what can I say. Ahem. MOVING ON, NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

The twins, at last, have to be their annoying selves and pick a fight with King of the Kermit Flail. Tamaki remains his levelheadedness and maturity just long enough for the twins to mention “honey mood” and “Haruhi” in the same context as themselves, and then the game is on. This Queen Bitch is not going to take this shit, and thus the epic Battle of the Water Guns commences.

Meanwhile, Hani is being cutesy and paddling along in the tide pool, so we finally get a bit of one-on-one Mori/Haruhi action, with Haruhi visibly eyeballing the half-naked, dripping form of her sempai. The fact that they share a drink and thus share what is known as an “indirect kiss” makes the moment all the more meaningful. Not for being a basis for an actual relationship of course, but it is more than enough to spawn a new character shipping, and I am sure that it does.

This moment of cute, not-quite-flirting is ruined by a clumsy Tamaki managing to stumble-smash into the giant-ass wave pool’s Tsunami Lever (no…really) and thus Hani is swept off in a giant ass tidal wave. Mori to the rescue, but this FAILS as the current of the tide pool is stronger than this more-than-average bear (Yogi Bear joke…derp derp), and thus we get the Despair of Mori. All is not lost though, as this means that the Hosts get to do what they do best: bluster and stumble around trying to solve a problem that eventually gets resolved with no thanks to them.

Though Mori has a SAD, Tamaki the Drama Queen is thrilled at the chance to channel “America” from Hetalia by going into massive, glittering “I’m the Hero” mode, complete with a similar “Hero” pose. This Dramatic Moment Dramatically fails and becomes a huge DERP moment, thanks to very NOT safe park planning of Kyoya and his family. Let’s just say that this involves loose alligators AND piranhas in and around the pools that they have to cross to get to Hani. Good ingredients of a death trap, but not so good for a park that the guests are supposed to survive.

The Bad Touch Trio plus Haruhi do WTF with massive gloom shadows, but Kyoya…takes notes. As you do. Turns out, Sneaky Bastard is forever Sneaky, as he only gave free invites so that he could use them as guinea pigs to test the park for design flaws. Kyoya, I love you, but I also hate you…A LOT…sometimes.

At least this gives the Hosts a chance to cosplay Tamaki’s ultimate Hero Fantasy: Indiana Suou, and the Trek of Manliness to Save Stuff (and Hani). We even have a Dramatic moment of Tamaki Dramatically flailing over taking shelter from the downpour. Oh yes. THAT. It turns out that there IS such a thing is too authentic as the aqua garden is rigged for the occasional mini-monsoon. Why anyone would want to go to an indoor park where it RAINS is beyond me, as I usually settle for indoor parks because of the lack of rain. This just proves…again…that Kyoya is capable of creating beautiful and frightening things and should never be tested, EVER, or he just might kill you.

Tamaki tries to take the lead on their trek as they move onward, but that Hosts ignore him in favor of someone who knows what the fuck they are doing….namely, Mori. It helps that he apparently has the nose of a blood-hound and can actually SNIFF OUT Hani. This trek, since there isn’t a hell of a lot else going on, proves a good time for Haruhi to contemplate Mori. Turns out, he’s human and not just breathing furniture, with back-story of his own. In this case, Mori and Hani are cousins. Their family blended in their grand-parents generation, but before that the Morinozuka family served the Haninozuka family for ages. If we think of Mori as a modern-Samurai, his utter devotion makes much more sense now, as I don’t really believe that he is the lap-dog type or an extreme Loli-lover, himself.

Haruhi has a rare moment of sensitive insight and comforts Mr. Stoic. It works apparently, as we are gifted with the rare treat of Mori smiling and all is Warm and Fuzzy amidst the Missing Friend Saga.

Kyoya redeems himself (sort of) by being on top of shit and calling in reinforcements, which turns out not to work so well later. But yes…to that in a moment. The twins do what they do best when bored, which is pick on Tamaki which makes it SO EASY for Mori and his trailing Haruhi to slip away to look for Hani while everyone else is distracted. So, it turns out that Kyoya’s vague “missing friend is missing” report was enough to dispatch the security (a.k.a. private S.W.A.T. team), but not enough for said security to realize that it happened via accident and not kidnapping. The duo are surrounded, guns fucking pointed at them and everything. Brave Mori bats them off like a PIMP as they do the grabby-grab thing at Haruhi, trying to save “him” from the “big, bad kidnapper.” Just when you think someone (Mori) is going to get machine-gunned to the face, it’s HANI TO THE RESCUE, BITCHES~!

Like fucking Tarzan, Hani swoops in on a vine (…no, REALLY) and starts kicking ass without taking names. In other words, this half-pint is packed full of Martial-Arts Magic. He kicks ALL the security guards’ asses, despite being out-weighed and being unarmed, and Haruhi I get where you are coming from, with that WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK expression on your face. The Ass-Kick Cake is topped with Hani’s Sugar Sweet “Don’t hurt my friends, you meanies” pose of Cute.

The Bad Touch Trio and Kyoya turn up just in time for an explanation. Hani is, in fact, the National Judo and Karate Champion while Mori is the National Kendo Champion. So, either one of these two often-ignored hosts could have killed anyone without breaking a sweat, at any time. Scary thought. Our fears are laid to rest by Hani’s sweet thank you to Mori for looking after Haruhi. So, no Host slaying is to be feared anytime soon. Good.

The chapter wraps up with a proposal to visit the beach for their break. While the Bad Touch Trio are bickering over how Haruhi, who hates the water parks might not like it, she surprises them all. She’s up for it, which means that the Twins have yet another chance to squeeze her into a swim-suit. On that eerie thought, the volume ENDS~!


This wraps up Volume Two, since I have decided not to deal with the “Egoist” one-shots included in the series. Though they are darker, and interesting, they are arguably not within the Ouran universe and thus have no bearing on the actual plot of the manga I’ve chosen to review. Maybe once I have finished all eighteen volumes, I will go back and include a few just for fun, but only if there is actual interest.

Anyway, this chapter is actually one of my favorites of the earlier volume, not including the massive two part chapter coming up (and no, I am not saying which episode I am talking about). While our Hosts are outside of their regular element, they are still as whacky, and flirtatious, and insane as when they are entertaining their guests. In a lot of ways, it gives a good indication of how much of their Host persona is for show, and how much is genuine. You’ll note, just as I did, that with the lack of fan girls there was also a distinct lack of Hikaru and Kaoru Twincesting like crazy. While this was done subtly (in the sense that no one outright said “Hey, the twins aren’t groping each other!”), it was another element that added to what we know about the troublesome duo.

What Worked

Though it is obvious by now that I like Kyoya, I also have a fondness for the very quiet, very loyal Mori Sempai. He is not demanding of anyone’s attention, he is not concerned with fashion or wealth or flamboyant flirtation. All that concerns him is Hani, and making sure that his cousin is being taken care of, at all times. When Hani is upset or missing, it is quiet Mori to the rescue. Even then, he does not feel the need to make a production of it, starring himself as Flailing Diva, unlike the Bad Touch Trio. He sees the issue and takes care of it. While I understand that the flamboyance of the other characters is what makes them so loved and memorable, Mori is not any less lovable for the fact that he would rather get shit done than flail, and flutter, and wail…and THEN get shit done, moaning all the while.

This chapter is one of the only chapters that teases a bit at the fact that Mori is, in fact, a man worthy of ogling and Haruhi is not blind to this. There is one other, but again…NOT TELLING~! It is a cute interaction, and endearing how innocent and shy some of Haruhi’s reactions to Mori can be. So while it isn’t surprising that this spawned a new ship, it is surprising that it is such a small fandom, considering that Mori is the person, so far, that Haruhi has reacted too most (in a positive manner, anyway).

Even though Kyoya is, in fact, the Spawn of Satan in this chapter (in that he uses his friends as guinea pigs), the set up is still hilarious. Seriously. I can’t be too surprised about this. It would have been more out of character for Kyoya to invite the Host club to a free event, with NO guests, and no opportunity for getting something out of it than doing what he did. While this set-up makes me laugh, the other scenario would have made me worry. A Lot. There is also the unthinkable element involved in this. We already know that Tamaki is whacked with his drama, and flailing, and whining. This just proves that while Kyoya is infinitely more emotionally restrained, he is just as whacky as Tamaki. Seriously, WHO gives live alligators and piranhas free rein of their water park, where there will be guests SWIMMING? Either he is a sadist with a smile, or he is suffering the same DERP DERP Disease as Tamaki.

Let’s just, for a moment, address Hani. Hani, cute, sweet-loving Loli-Shouta of the Host Club. Turns out, this Loli-Shouta could probably kick your ass or break you irrevocably with his tiny, bare hands, without breaking a sweat, smiling all the while. Have I mentioned how incredibly frightening a concept that this is? We’ve already established in our earlier bonus episode that Hani turns into Mr. Hyde when awoken from a nap. Imagine, if you will, that super-grump turning the power of those mighty fists on you for pissing him off while in Grump-Mode. That is something too horrifying to contemplate: the blonde hair and pale face of the tiny demon, splattered with your blood as he beats you to a pulp, all the while pouting, with his stuffed bunny tucked under his small arm. I would hate to face that, but I have to admit that I would love to see that drawn. Seriously, someone who can actually draw manga/anime needs to do that. I couldn’t give you anything, but it would give me a Happy.

Since there is, AGAIN, a distinct lack of a mini-episode this chapter, this will have to wrap it up. Next time, I will be tackling the start of Volume Three. As hinted before, we are heading into the territory of two-part chapters, and multi-chaptered story lines, so I may have to tweak the format for the chapters that cannot…or SHOULD not…be broken up. Those of you who have read this far and stuck with me, thanks~! See you next time!























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