I can’t tell if GRRM is a kind old wizard who’s cheering me up with Tyrion after that Bran chapter or if he’s an evil genius cackling madly as he gives me emotional whiplash.

Tyrion is in the library, having spent the whole night reading, and is jerked back to the real world by the howling of Bran’s nameless wolf. He gives the septon (who is functioning as a librarian) instructions to take specific care with certain books. He’s a ninja and a geek, how is a girl to keep her panties on?

He arrives in a yard just in time to hear Joffrey and Clegane being assholes about Bran. Bran’s not dead (yet, they think), and his wolf has been howling. Clegane offers to kill the wolf for making noise and Joffrey approves. Tyrion enter the scenes, adding one sound mind to the collection of crazy, and tells Joffrey to put his psychosis on hold and perform some royal duties and social graces instead. Joffrey whines that he doesn’t want to offer condolences about some dying kid who means nothing to him.

I’m not even going to bother describing what happens next, am I a lazy blogger or what? In my defense, I’m not a good enough writer for my words to give satisfaction equal to the one I get from watching this gif, over and over and over…

Clegane towers above Tyrion, he’s in full armor and his visor is shaped like the muzzle of a hound, explaining why Joffrey and Tyrion call him a dog. Unsurprisingly, Clegane is not heartbroken about Joffrey getting slapped, he’s amused but warns Tyrion that Joffrey will hold a grudge. Prissy princes do not worry ninja-scholar Tyrion.

Tyrion joins Cersei, Jaime and the other two kids for a family breakfast. Cersei doesn’t seem to like him very much, but Jaime was kind to Tyrion when no one else was, so Tyrion is devoted to his brother. It’s all very blond and leonine, where’s Robert? Robert is with Ned, sharing his friend’s grief. Tommen asks after Bran and Tyrion informs the table that the Maester is betting on Bran continuing to live. Tommen and Myrcella are happy, showing that sociopathic tendencies stopped with Joffrey. Cersei and Jaime exchange a glance that doesn’t escape their little brother.

Tyrion goes further into detail hypothesizing Bran’s future: even if he wakes up, his spine and legs aren’t going to heal. Also, the nameless wolf is doing something magical animal thing that’s keeping Bran alive, or so it appears. Cersei is not looking forward to having direwolves in her court. Tyrion asks when they are leaving and Cersei notices that he doesn’t include himself in that sentence. Apparently, Tyrion’s decided to go north with Benjen and Jon to see the famed Wall. Jaime jokes about Tyrion taking the black (i.e., joining the Watch) and calls him “sweet brother.”

Point 1: Jaime, you call your sister “sweet sister” when you sleep with her. Please, never, ever use the word “sweet” in anyone else’s direction, ok? It’s all creepy enough as it is.

Point 2: Nobody in this book addresses their family members by name when talking directly to them. Viserys calls Dany “sweet sister,” Jon calls Arya “little sister” (I guess to give us piece of a mind in case we thought Starks were into incest too), Ned and Catelyn call each other “my lord” and “my lady.”

Tyrion can’t take the black: he’s a southern prostitute’s best friend and his celibacy could cause a recession. He just wants to piss off the edge of the world. Cersei is scandalized by this pronouncement and leaves, taking her children with her. With her gone, Tyrion and Jaime turn a bit more serious and discuss the probability that Robert will order Ned to leave before there’s certainty about Bran’s condition and the odds of Ned following the order. Jaime says he’d prefer to kill his child, which as a member of the Kingsguard he’s not allowed to have, rather than watch him suffer like that. Tyrion doesn’t think Ned would appreciate that point of view. He also calls Jaime “sweet brother,” because I’m not freaked out enough about this secret incest code. Jaime argues that life as a cripple is not worth living and Tyrion points to himself and the many whores he’s enjoyed as exhibit A. Yeah, Jaime, Tyrion may be “deformed,” but at least he’s not putting his penis into people he’s shared a womb with.

Tyrion hopes Bran wakes up because he’s interested to hear what Bran would have to say about the whole “falling out of a window” thing. Jaime seems to basically admit to having some sort of hand in it when he reacts to this by asking Tyrion whose side he’s on. Tyrion’s response? “You know how much I love my family.”

I… I don’t… I don’t even want to know. Luckily, there are no creepier places left to go here and so the chapter ends.