[The Ohtori Archives] General Host-pital

Episode 4…in which there is a lot of random fuckery and the briefly featured side character is a quack doctor named…quack doctor.

Spring. Love is in the air, we’re all choking on cherry blossom petals, and the senior Hosts should be graduating…except not. Barbie Girl Tamaki and Hatori Bisco make it abundantly clear in this moment of fourth-wall HULK-Smash that there will be no escaping graduating for Hani and Mori. These poor souls are unknowingly trapped in a never-ending Time Loop of High School. Like Cullens, except with out the Emoing. So, brace yourselves…

Let’s try this again…Spring. Love is in the air, we’re all choking on cherry blossom petals (again), and the Hosts are dressed as English Waiters. I say English because of the fuck-ton of Victorian Era (no, really) English antique tea sets they’re using, but the Hosts could be French for all we know. Anyway…a beautiful outdoor cafe, suits, ties, aprons, tea sets…and Twincest. What, you thought you could get away from it in a fancy tea party? Think again. Where the reader sees a burned finger from a splash of hot tea, Hikaru and Kaoru see opportunity for the Eye-Sexing and Freeze Framing.

Of course, where you find Twincest, you also find someone to exploit it. Enter Kyoya, who so totally hijacked the Enterprise’s teleportation tech as he literally pops up out of nowhere, with photo books in hand. When and How he managed to get those pictures…is best not considered. Honestly, I don’t want to know. Really. I don’t. Kyoya distracts me us from pondering on his Stalker Habits with a poetic Freeze Frame, complete with a pose with budding cherry blossoms…then so totally uses it as a lead in for his sales pitch for said picture books. This man is good. All should fear this man’s power…and the twins kind of do, as seen by their moment of “wtf” over being secretly photographed.

CUT TO…!!! Haruhi, Mori and Hani, now suddenly in very traditional Kimono, silently taking part in a tea ceremony. Except…Hani must have some muscles on him, because there is more tea flying around in the air then there is in the cup. Mori finally gives the oblivious blonde a clue, and Hani’s chagrin earns him his own freeze frame of Sad, complete with implied soundtrack of tiny, sad violins. The crisis is averted when the Loli-Shouta fan girls rush in to save Hani’s ego with compliments, proving that Hani and Tamaki are not so dissimilar. Haruhi despairs, as should we all, over the Dumb…because the Dumb is very infectious in this group.

Speaking of the Dumb, Tamaki has his moment of flailing about over “commoner parties,” Sake, and neckties around his head, and we kind of get the idea that a drunk Tamaki would be a fucking priceless Tamaki, and this needs to happen. Now. This moment of mental win dies a quick death when the glittering Ego Monster rears his head, demanding tribute compliments about how much he reminds Haruhi of Spring. Obviously, this man has forgotten that Haruhi wields the mighty weapon known as Blunt Honesty, which can strike a fatal blow to Ego in one hit. Haruhi’s insult doesn’t quite translate well, so we can only guess she means that Tamaki’s air-headed attitude is what reminds her most of Spring. It fits, so I’m going with it.

Of course, what Host episode would be complete without a Haruhi-glomp, courtesy of the Terrible Two? Surprisingly, this time they are pestering her about academic things. I say “surprisingly,” as I have yet to actually see any of these Hosts in class, let alone the so-called “Honor Student,” Haruhi. Anyway, this proves to be an AHA moment for Tamaki, as he suddenly realizes that the Twins get to molest pester see Haruhi far more than he does, as they’re all in the same class. This constant annoyance somehow equates, in his feather brain, to knowing her better. His moment of Serious Contemplation gets the smack-down from Kyoya, as he politely “Well, duh”s all over it.

It is not enough for Sauron Kyoya to simple “Well, duh” Tamaki. Oh, no. Our Dark Overlord takes strange glee in mentally scarring Princess Peach the Host King with proof via pictures, stats, and even a fucking pie chart. I’ll say it again. A PIE CHART. The Hurt is massive with Tamaki, and it mutates him into a crotchety old man…I am so not even kidding…with a cane. All this cane waving and demanding the twins BACK THE FUCK OFF, NOW leads Mr. Melodrama to demanding that Haruhi stop associating with the twins. Now its Hikaru and Kaoru who transform into old men, with samurai swords no less, and…thank GOD for Hani’s interruption, because I was beginning to worry that someone had put acid in the water.

Hani Loli-Glitters all over, wanting to compare heights with Haruhi which is totally relevant, because there is a physical exam coming up. Though not such a big deal in general, this is very, very not good for the resident cross-dresser. The Hosts Blue Screen next to an imaginary Freeze Frame of the partially naked Tamaki and Kyoya. Whether this is because they are overwhelmed by the Bishie Pretty, or because they think Haruhi would be the type to Vogue topless, the world may never know.

Haruhi, naturally, wins the chapter with her dead-pan one-liner: “that will expose things, won’t it?”

Haruhi, I love you. My snark and your snark should get together and have snark babies. Ahem. Getting back on track…

Suddenly, we find Haruhi is in a dress, and Tamaki is thrilled to death about this, obviously. No, really. Haruhi is in a DRESS. There is no lead-in, no explanation, nothing. Just…feminine Haruhi, which is just…odd, considering. Not just that, but this is a feminine, soft-spoken Haruhi who is feeling self-conscious of the people staring at her. This is scary, guys. This is just…so unbelievably out of character that I fear I’ve fallen into Renge’s bad fanfiction, again. I’m not even going to go into the FUCKING SEXIST UNDERTONES OMG of this whole “wilting-flower Haruhi/Prince Tamaki to the rescue scenario,” but whatever. Moving the fuck on. Of course, we can all blame Tamaki as it was his little daydream, creepy-ass glazed stare and all. This is a man who needs to lay off the mushy romance shows, I think.

Tamaki is so ready to jump all over this as a part of an evolving romantic spring comedy (fourth-wall, where have you gone?!?), until the other Hosts give him a dose of something he is lacking…reality. Girl Haruhi cannot be a Host, because girls are not Hosts; Girl Haruhi was very popular at middle school, and was asked out a lot; Tamaki would barely ever see her, while the twins would now dominate her time…

and thus, the Polly Pocket of the Pink Palace Host King Despairs as he’d never Despaired before. Even his backdrop Despairs. There was a lot of Despair, basically.

The Trio of Stupid (a.k.a. Tamaki, Hikaru, and Kaoru)…and Hani…Kermit-flail and try to get Haruhi to totally get on board with keeping her gender a secret, but Haruhi’s power of the Whatever thwarts them. There is more Kermit-flailing over her being so apathetic, but Haruhi’s power remains undefeated. It is only by bribing her with food (you fucking genius, Mori), that the Glutton is made agreeable to the plan. Thus we find ourselves at the much dreaded physical exams, where the doctors and nurses line up to flatter the students, and are pretty fucking useless as doctors. The fan girls squeal and squirm over the half-naked boys, and Haruhi mourns for the human race.

For some reason, Hani and Mori are dressed up as doctors, and Kyoya has to take a moment to explain that the cosplay is “part of the plan.” How recognizable students dressed up as doctors so that they are recognizably NOT doctors helps any “plan” is a mystery. Useless doctors continue to be Useless, more concerned with flattering the students than doing their jobs. Apparently, this is a A Thing at this school, as it’s Good Business and all these people have their own private doctors, anyway. Haruhi, your pain is my pain. Let us despair together.

A moment of Scruffy Doctor Sticks Out is ignored by both Kyoya and the reader once it is Haruhi’s turn to strip for the audience doctors. The twins prove a momentary distraction with their Twincesting and implications of “playing Doctor” in private. The fan girls squee, and Haruhi is snatched behind the changing curtains. At long fucking last, Tamaki’s Big Plan finally comes to play, but proves pretty fucking useless as Tamaki, even in a dark wig, is obviously Tamaki. Haruhi’s glare of Doom strikes a fatality, and Tamaki turns to dust, literally. Even the fan girls are impressed with his powers of Dust Transformation.

All is well, though, as Kyoya’s family has the One Ring runs the hospitals where the doctors work, so Haruhi gets a private exam. Our heroine finally escapes for a moment, right as a girl squealing about perverts enters the scene. Spring is for Perverts, according to Hikaru and Hani’s snark, but this becomes Serious Business when Mori’s Freeze Frame of AHA leads to the realization that Dr. McFeely is headed for where Haruhi is. Dramatic tension is dramatic, and there is a lot of Freeze Framing and Dramatic Intros, complete with Dramatic Posing, complete with flowery over-lay. Thankfully, this silliness quickly dies when Mr. ScruffyDoc cries after Hani kicks him…in the face.

I understand, ScruffyDoc. I’d cry too.

Scruffy McQuackDoctor turns out to be called Yabu: “bad/quack doctor.” The hilarity is not lost on the twins, who “SRSLY?” all over this. Yabu only wanted to make up with his daughter, but ended up getting chased around for looking like a dodgy pervert. The Sad is there, but is overwhelmed by the funny of Quack Doctor’s ineptitude. Unsurprisingly, Quack Doctor turns out to be Absent-Minded Dad as well, as it turns out he’s at the wrong school, altogether.

After a bit of weepy-faces and care-bear-staring (from Tamaki and Bad Doctor) and Blue Screening (from everyone saner than those two), he gets a map and is sent on his way. Haruhi totally ignores this all, in favor of laughing at Tamaki and his rose-and-glitter stick on tattoo (left over from his dramatic Tough Guy Pose). Apparently, Haruhi is irresistible in her mocking, so has to tackle-hug her. In the end, Tamaki gets the beat down for glomping Haruhi, the twins accuse him of being a sexual predator, tie him up with rope, and he is left to bleed in his Emo corner (…no, really).


This was a long fucking chapter.


I don’t know if it felt longer because it was physically longer, or because there was so much going on, but…wow. A tea party, a Physical Exam, and a thrown-in-at-last-minute-side-story. I have to be honest and say that, though I do not dislike this chapter, it is definitely not one of my favorites. Though the physical exam bit is a genuine plot point, seeing as one of our characters is a cross-dresser, there wasn’t really a moment where it felt like this was a genuine threat to the club. If the doctors had pulled Haruhi aside first, before the “plan” could be put into motion, it would have felt more dramatic.

As it was, it was a fun little chapter, but the actual plot points felt more like random filler because all the potentially dramatic elements died such quick deaths.

What Worked

Unfortunately, because I am not as fond of this chapter as some of the others, I didn’t find as much that worked for this chapter. There were a few things I did have fun with, however…

For those who’ve caught on that I am a fan of Kyoya, it shouldn’t be surprising that I really got a kick out of his Exploit You for the Money approach to the Hosts. There he is, working the crowd with his own flavor of Bishie-Dazzle, and BAM! Immediately moves into a sales pitch. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: if this man could get away with selling the Hosts (especially the indebted Haruhi) for money, he SO WOULD. Privacy is for lesser men, not those with a club to run and club expenses to pay. The fact that he must have hidden cameras and/or a network of spies/photographers ferreted away, taking pictures of the Hosts in secret is just hilarious. Forget Renge, Kyoya is the Host Club’s Paparazzi.

This episode is really, for me, a Win for Kyoya as he also gets to put the Hurt on Tamaki. Tamaki, who is so fixated on Haruhi, all but withers under the power of Kyoya’s intel and Pie Charts of Doom. Seriously. The fact that he uses PIE CHARTS to taunt Tamaki, and it WORKS, is just brilliant. I sort of imagine him internally cackling as he calmly kills Princess Puffball Tamaki, fact by fact, picture by picture. It’s a small moment, but beautifully illustrates the fact that Kyoya is a man to be feared, but also a man with a wicked sense of humor. I don’t see him ever pulling a similar stunt on the other Hosts, because it would not work. Tamaki is enough of a Diva and a Wilting Princess that something like that is a guaranteed K.O., and Kyoya knows this and uses it brilliantly.

Haruhi’s Whatevering over everything, ever…except food. This is glorious. I understand this. Her cover is going to be blown? Whatever. She can pay off her debt some other way. Tamaki’s Big Plan fails? Whatever. The truth couldn’t be concealed forever. The Hosts being weird? Whatever. It’s what they do. The minute you mention food, though…whether to bribe with, or to threaten to withhold, THE GAME IS ON, MRS. HUDSON. Mori only needs mention the Fatty Tuna that she so didn’t get to eat during the dance party, and she is GAME. She is PREPARED to do her part. As a woman who loves Sushi, and Indian food, and Greek food, and eating in general, I understand this. Her motivation is my motivation.

Eat on, you awkward Hostess…

Hurdle Jumping “Funny” into “Awkward”

In this Episode’s pre-chapter mini-story, we are introduced to the “Suou Family.” This doesn’t sound so bad until you realize that by family, I mean “Daddy Tamaki,” “Mommy Kyoya,” “Daughter Haruhi,” etc. Seriously. It’s like a peek inside of Tamaki’s wet dreams delusions. Though the story is brief, one thing is clear. “Mommy,” whether in uniform or fluffy robe, is the Overlord and Master of All. The End. Seriously…that’s it. Kyoya has the money and the power, and all others quietly do his bidding.

Considering the fact that Kyoya has all the power, and the doctors, and the best moments in this chapter, I find this oddly appropriate. With that, I’m closing up this sucker…

Until next time~!







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