[The Ohtori Archives] Tamaki Suou, King of the Bad Touch

Episode 6…in which Tamaki is crowned King of the “Bad Touch” and we get a double-dose of mini-episodes.

When the episode opens up on a kid over-hearing gossip about Ouran’s infamous Rent Boys Hosts, you know that things are not going to end well for this kid. At all. The fact that we have a two page spread of our glittering boys decked out like an Arabian Harem immediately after this just proves my point. The sparkle and the “come hither” is over-whelming and just a bit disturbing, and Haruhi’s pained look speaks volumes. Unfortunately for the kid, he doesn’t seem to read body language too well or he probably would have heeded Haruhi’s silent warnings of Save Yourself.

A role model to PedoBears everywhere, Tamaki doesn’t seem to think little things such as legal age of consent are any reason to refrain from flirting, so the shameless trollop does so. He Bishie-Sparkles the fuck out of his freeze frame while the child looks on in horror. Run away, kid. Run away now, while you still can.

Both stubborn and stupid, the little boy sticks around only to unleash Hell Tamaki’s ego on us all when he foolishly addresses the King of Ego Monsters, Tamaki, as “King.” Apparently, “King” is Tamaki’s aural trigger to amp up the flamboyant twinkling to Level Unicorn, and he does. Tamaki goes for fucking broke, twirling and sparkling like the Disney Princess that he wishes he was. Cinder-Tama-rella, Snow Suou, take your pick. While most people with a brain would take the time to back away slowly, the bratling sticks it out. Honestly, I can’t decide if this is bravery or sheer stupidity. Maybe it is a bit of both. Anyway, this kid, fool that he is, was apparently not warned ahead of time to never, ever feed Tamaki’s ego and unleashes the beast by requesting to be made an Apprentice…to Tamaki…Man Whore, Extraordinaire.

This…is not going to end well. For anyone.

It’s made so much worse by the fact that this kid, Shiro Takaoji, is a fifth year…in Ouran Elementary. So, that would make Shiro eleven or twelve, depending. An eleven or twelve year old learning how to make High School girls swoon. I don’t…I just. I know Japan’s legal age of consent is thirteen, but this is just ridiculous. How is it that Chris Hanson, or whomever is Japan’s equivalent, does not have Princess Peach on speed dial?

Tamaki Suou, ladies and Gents, King of the “Bad Touch.”

So, because His Blondeness has no qualms about child exploitation, we are subjected to Tamaki Bishie-Sparkling and Host-Pimping as hard as he can Bishie-Sparkle and Host-Pimp. The glittering and freeze framing that goes on is enough to convince me to scream “Intervention Time,” but luckily Shiro’s complete lack of brain-to-mouth filter saves my brain the day. Unlike Haruhi, whose Power of the Deadpan and lacking brain-to-mouth filter is unintentionally insulting, Shiro delivers his insults like deliberate blows to the ego head with a blunt instrument. The twins, who fucking love to torture tease the King Pervert, find Shiro hilarious, which (of course) segues into a sparkling, teary Freeze Frame of Twincest. Obviously…because that is how these guys function. Honestly, if these two had to go a day without being little cunt-teases, I think that they’d wither up and die.

Of course, the kinky fan girls fan girl over the implied Sexy Time and Shiro suffers a massive WTF in the face of all the glittering incest. It seems like the kid is finally getting a clue that he is in for some “Bad Touch” if he does not run away and makes a mad dash to flee. He bumps into the resident Queen of Blunt Honesty, Haruhi, who laughs off the insanity like a seasoned pro…or someone suffering advanced Stockholm Syndrome.

Shiro’s fifty yard stare might be a sign of despair settling in, but it is most likely a sign of the powers of Child Intuition, as he seems to recognize that Haruhi might not be as “manly” as she appears to be. Of course, the Bad Touch Trio- Tamaki, Hikaru, and Kaoru- Kermit-flail and try to prove Haruhi’s manliness by abruptly changing the subject which does not seem like a good tactic at all, but what the fuck ever. The trio shove a tea tray at the kid and send him off to go entertain some ladies (…really?), but this ends up being a moment of FAIL. Enter Kyoya, who is able to delight in his moment of “MOAR DEBT, PEASANT” when he charges Haruhi for the tea tray that Shiro dropped on purpose, the little shit. Chaos reins in which the kid thinks tearing down curtains to mop up spilled tea is a good idea, and I am seriously wanting to strangle the kid.

Tamaki finally looses his shit at the mini Demon which ends up with Hani in tears and Shiro temporarily locked up in a cage. I’ll say it again…Tamaki ends the fight by putting the kid in a cage.

Bad Touch! BAD TOUCH!

Using the power of fast talk and flattery, Shiro gets out of it but is submitted to Tamaki’s Spartan Host Training until he snaps and makes his escape. His Kingliness seems honestly confused, but Haruhi obviously gets some relevant information out of Shiro’s brat-babble which leads us to…


…no, seriously. The Hosts have Hani dress up as an Elementary student and Haruhi dress up as a Middle School student so that they can go and spy on Shiro in his native habitat. Of course, this is mostly a ploy so that the Bad Touch Trio can ogle Haruhi in a short skirt (which is all sorts of creepy), but whatever. They are teenage boys with penises and hormones, and Haruhi is of age, so I’ll deal.

The Hosts are not so good at espionage, or the whole “being quiet” thing, but Haruhi gets to make the cute little “zip it” expression, so it all works out. Call me easy, but it gives me a Warm Happy.

They finally track down Shiro to the music club and spy on him hanging out with a cute little girl, looking happy watching her play piano. It is a touching moment until PedoBear Tamaki ruins it by flirting information out of an Elementary school girl. Haruhi’s deadpan is glorious and says volumes about the Creep Factor of Tamaki’s tactics. As “Bad Touch” as his tactics are, they work and thus we learn the pretty little girl Shiro seems to like, Hina Kamishiro, is about to move away to Germany in a few days. Thus, we have our AHA moment of the episode and can finally start to get to the fucking point already.

Shiro whines at the Hosts for lurking and Tamaki throws down an insightful “Bitch, please.” His entire “only you can know how to make your special girl happy” spiel is cutesy, as is his offer to help get Shiro ready for a going away performance for Hina. This is, of course, a perfect moment for a bit of Bishie Glitter and musical Freeze Framing, and Tamaki runs with it. He Glitters like a Queen and plays the fuck out of the piano, surprising the fuck out of Shiro. Apparently, the idea that there is actually substance in His Blondeness’ skull was a bit too much to handle without a WHU~T.

The performance comes and is very cute, even if the Glittering and Bishie-Framing of Shiro is kind of awkward in that this kid is jail-bait. In the end, Shiro learns to Host and Tamaki realizes that he’s created a monster when the child out PIMPS him, brat-snark intact.


I can’t honestly say what it is about this episode, but it felt longer than normal to me. Maybe it is because I wanted to drop kick Shiro half the time, maybe it is because of the whole “Bad Touch” vibe this episode has…who knows.

Though this is not a favorite of mine, there were a lot of little details that I definitely had fun with, both in terms of a reader and a reviewer.

What Worked

As disturbing as the whole “Bad Touch” bit could be, it is played up in a way that it is less creepy and more Tamaki being Tamaki. Yes, he Bishie’d and caged a little boy, and yes he flirted information out of a little girl, but Tamaki wouldn’t be Tamaki if he wasn’t oblivious to personal boundaries and laws, and such. The fact that Kyoya, usually the voice of reason, just sat back and let it happen is proof enough that this is an idiot who cannot be reasoned with, so you are better off standing back and dealing with the aftermath. Luckily for Monsieur de Le Touchez Mal, he is pretty enough to get away with most anything and is naïve enough to keep it from being too Bad Touch, so he is easily forgiven…by me, anyway.

As much as I love Renge, the fact that she was noticeably absent from this episode (unlike in the anime) kind of saved it for me. It was a bit much to get through as it is without throwing an over-the-top Otaku into the mix. Sure, she is funny and adds more than a tad of the hilarity factor to the episodes that she is in, but she can easily over-whelm a scene and would have pushed my fragile sanity over the Cotton Candy Mountain cliff had she been around to egg on Tamaki’s fetishizing off Shiro.

Though this has less to do with the material itself, the act of reviewing this worked for me in that I had an excuse to work in the whole “Bad Touch Trio” thing. I readily admit to watching and enjoying Hetalia: Axis Powers and Hetalia: World Series more than is probably healthy and so was delighted at the chance to compare Ouran’s Bad Touch Trio to Hetalia’s (France, Prussia, and Spain) Bad Touch Trio. Though they are very different characters, the title is equally as valid for both groups and so I am taking my Happy and running with it.

Though I will get to the reviews in a minute, I will say right now that it is all kinds of awesome sauce that we have the main story bookmarked by two, yes, TWO mini-episodes of silly. Anyone who has read more than one of my reviews knows that I love these to pieces, so this episode more than made up for the lacking mini-episode from the Twins’ chapter…

…with that segue, here we go!

Mini-Episode #1…in which the Hosts are Dirty, Dirty Perverts

In this brief snippet, we are once again faced with the Hosts as a family, but this takes it from a “kind of cute” set up straight into INCEST LAND. It is bath-time, and there is much fuss over who Haruhi should take a bath with, “Daddy” (Tamaki) or her “brothers” (Hikaru and Kaoru). “Mommy” (Kyoya) ends the debate using sneaky, pervy logic that it should be okay for a “daughter” and “mother” to bathe together, and thus a reluctant Haruhi is led of to who knows where by trickys Kyoya…

I don’t know whether to laugh or shake my head. Or maybe do both. I know that this is all for fun, as a sort of play on the Host Club being a “family,” but…wow. This takes Tamaki’s “Daddy Complex” to a level that I don’t really want to think about outside of the manga’s/anime’s context because ye Gods, the mental images. They scar us, Precious. I can’t say that I think that this is fetishizing incest, because they are not really family, but…it kind of is. In Tamaki’s mind, the Hosts truly are a family, so if this is the shit he thinks up, then I am kind of worried about him and hope he works out his issues soon.

Mini-episode #2…in which we meet our Manga-ka and Her Crew

In this little snippet, we get a little peek into Hatori Bisco land. This particular moment in time shows that the silliest misunderstandings can lead to those little details that are so fun to see in print. In this case, busy artist makes distracted conversation and misheard wording. Thus, Haruhi’s lunchbox comes to be.

Though not really relevant to the plot, it is always fun to read about favorite artists/writers/etc being people, silliness and all. As someone who can relate to the distraction+conversation= verbal vomit, it was fun to read the little snippet about a group of artists totally not understanding what the others are saying and thus leading to an artistic “inside joke,” as it were. I am of the mind that if you can sneak things like that into your work, if you can own it and embrace it without it taking away from the plot or confusing people, then go for it. The more love you put into it, the better.

This wraps up this episode of Ouran High School Host Club. Next episode is the last main Episode of the chapter, and then I may or may not do the “Egoistic Club” episode of the volume. These tend to be one-shot story lines that I am not sure even take place in Ouran and can be a bit confusing since they don’t really establish where, if at all, they fit into the Ouran Universe. Anyone who reads this review and is interested in these, let me know. Otherwise, I will probably end up skipping any/all non-Ouran extras in order to save time getting through the volumes.

Till next time~!














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